From Waiting for This Story to End Before I Begin Another by Jan Heller Levi (via hush-syrup)
I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel
I- feel sad but I can’t explain why.
I feel everything but how can I explain that to you.
I feel like life is floating away too fast and I can’t seem to keep a hold onto everything I love.
Everything I love seems hard to hold onto bc I know one day I will have to let go & the thought of having to do that doesn’t make me feel good.
It makes me feel too much & my feelings aren’t organized in a box like most.
My feelings are placed in the junk draw of my mind.
Lost and scrambled, with other thoughts and feelings that haven’t been thought about or felt in years.
Sometimes I’ll open the drawer.
I’ll want to go in and clean and organized and get rid of what I have no use for anymore. Of feelings I know I’ve surpassed and overcome.
But when I open the drawer everything falls out. Things I didn’t know were still in there, items and niknacks from people and places i wanted to forget.
Memories of when I was a kid that I want to remember but for some reason can’t. Happy memories that make me sad because I can’t go back.
This drawer is my keepsake. This drawer is me & who I am & who I will become.
& maybe that’s why I’m scared. Bc to know the past is the past & will always be the past makes me sad. To know that I can’t go back to the day my grandpa taught me to ride a bike & telling me he will always be there for me when I fall.
& I don’t know what the future hold for me & the fear of not knowing is terrifying.
So maybe I’ll keep the drawer for a little longer, organize it when things start feeling a little bit better.
"'Do you fall in love often?' Yes often. With a view, with a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends, with complete strangers, with nothing at all."
(Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries)
These past few weeks I’ve been struggling with getting a grip on my emotions. I haven’t really had a moment where my mind just stops thinking. There are times I have to remind myself to just go outside, close my eyes, & take that moment for myself. Take a moment to breathe. I think this life, this world- is sooo beautiful. Even in the moments when it’s not.
And in these next 50 years you will eat so many delicious meals, laugh so many times with so many people you love, shout and scream and sing and cry and smile so hard your face hurts. And you will see such beautiful sunsets and feel fresh cold air on your face and feel warm and safe wrapped up in your favourite winter coat.
I wrap this blessing around you like a shroud, so that no ill can find you, and every warmth is held close